innocence

Funny how we used to make promises,
As if the faces would never fade,
Believing the clouds would always stay in its place,

But oh well, look at us.

We’re walking on opposite roads
Stumbling across new hellos
And somehow,
Those knots seem blurry now
Perhaps we forget
Or maybe we were just too naive
To learn about temporary things.

Still dear precious,
Don’t point the arrows towards them
And don’t you lock yourself in your own prison of guilt
For no one is at fault
When it comes to growing up.

After all,
We were just a bunch of innocents
With nothing
But sparkling eyes and white hopes.

N.N.

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knock knock

Mom used to say
“Don’t open the door for strangers”
I guess I just wanted to be kind to my guests
And so I opened it anyway.

A long time they stayed
“Maybe they’re happy here”
So I closed the door
And kept serving tea for them.

But days passed
And the porcelain cups were stacking up, undrank
I could see their lively eyes
When they stared out of the windows
And I’ve decided
I should let them go.

One by one faded into the mist
But they left their balloons of hearts with me
I kept them safe in my room
Full of other heart balloons
And then I heard it again.

Knock knock

“Hi welcome”

This time,
They have knives in the pocket
But they seem happy to enter
And I want to be polite too.

“Come in”.

N.N.

reminisce

It gives me wonders. Do people really remember the moment when they first met each other? The exact date, the exact time, the exact season and the exact emotions?

I’ve always stumbled across scenes in movies where the man reminisces back the first time he met his partner or lover in a very precise way. As in, “Remember the first time I met you? 11th April 1965, it was slightly rainy. I was sitting in an old cafe, sipping my cup of coffee by the glass window. That’s when a beautiful woman came into my sight. You were in a dark red dress, extremely drenched in the heavy rain and you were running towards me. Maybe it’s the rain or maybe it’s the dress but I swore I’ve never seen such a gorgeous lady in my life.”

Okay that’s enough of the cheesiness but yeah, that’s one of the examples. Perhaps it’s just me because I sometimes couldn’t even recall what happened last week. In Malay culture or what they claim as our ancestors’ sayings, if we always forget things, that means we accidentally ate too many ants. Well, everyone knows it’s just a myth to scare the toddlers. Duh.

But then, a brilliant inspiration flew into my head.

People remember things that they love to see, hear or feel.

Right?

I mean, it does make sense. Who wants to remember the things that they don’t like. Haunted house, enemies, heartbreaks, pain, sadness. It’s annoying to let them stay in your mind.

That answers the question how people can remember exactly their happiest moments. Because they love it, they cherish it and they don’t want it to ever be blurred. Everytime they see the faces they shared the moments with again and again, those same emotions and everything else come together with it. Which makes it more permanent. REPETITIONS.

However, it’s also true that pain and all those memories you refuse to recall can make a huge impact, you can’t seem to erase. Those moments which made you feel incapable of feeling happiness and going on another day with that emotion was probably the worst thing ever. All of us must have experienced it at least once. Regardless of the kinds of situations.

So, I came up with a little so-called self-experiment. I tried to calm myself and gather all memories I could remember. Then, I compared the good ones with the bad ones. And turns out, I could still recollect the same excitement and joy I had with my good memories. Like, I still can feel the similar happiness when I see my mom again after a long time. Or the similar fun when I go to the beach. Nonetheless, I couldn’t feel the same emotions with my bad memories. For instance, someone broke my trust and I was quite furious. But, I could somehow feel the rage is subsiding over time. Perhaps I choose not to think about it anymore. And my beloved cat, Tom passed away two years ago which made me bawled. I still get pretty sad when I think about him but I don’t bawl anymore.

Therefore, you don’t have to be in the depth of despair when bad things happen. It will fade away after a while. And someday, you’ll look back and you will not feel the same way again. In fact, you’ll feel a whole lot better. As for the good things, well, TREASURE THEM.

“Sometimes, you’ll never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

– Dr. Seuss –

it’s okay

When I was about 11 years old, a bomb dropped onto a solid ground with gardens of flowers and butterflies. That ground was my life.

I call it a bomb because a bomb comes out of nowhere and then it explodes and it destroys everything within its radius. Something happened which I would say my dark past and it ruined me. I was 11, still a minor. Not even a teenager. And every minor in the world wants everything he or she could have except for this. When this crashed into my life, I was lost. Literally. It’s because I never saw it coming, I never expected it at all (like I said, a bomb). When things happen unexpectedly, it either brings you joy or pain. Unfortunately, mine was the latter. Like any other 11-year-old kid, I obviously didn’t know what to do. Even if I did, it was beyond my control to fix what I thought I could fix. I was powerless and I couldn’t process what was happening because it was too fast, like how the light travels. My mind just went completely blank as if I just awoke from a coma or in a state of amnesia. My emotions were terribly mixed up causing me to be emotionally dead. From anger, disappointment and depression to nothing. I was clouded with multiple kinds of questions. “Why is this happening to me?” “Did I do something wrong for me to deserve this?” “Why me? Why not anyone else?”. I felt like at that point of my life, the world was pointing their fingers towards me. 

At school, I was naturally a quiet kid and rather keeping everything to myself so no one noticed. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know as well because they’ll start bombard me with questions, weird gazes and the most pathetic thing I despise, sympathy. Why? Because I know it isn’t genuine. They felt sorry only because a bad thing happened to us. Not because they put themselves in our shoes and felt what we had been through, even if they told you so. It was to make us  ‘feel better’ but deep inside, they sighed a sense of relief it didn’t happen to them. A big fat lie. That’s why I can relate to Korean dramas for example School 2015. What I love about this genre of movie is that the themes aren’t just about hopeless romance but also, about dreams, losing hope, secrets, trust, friendships and other themes that circulate around a problematic student’s life. And it can be seen clearly in those kind of dramas that the happiest student is the most depressed and not everyone cares about it. Something that our society here doesn’t give enough attention on. The youngsters need to open their eyes widely that school isn’t just about immature relationship problems. Real life crisis actually exists among students. Try looking at your class photos. Some of those smiles, they’re not real. I highly recommend you to watch School 2013 and School 2015, NOT to enjoy the good looks of the actors or whatsoever but to emphatize yourself in their situations. What will you do if you’re in their shoes?

Though I had hard times getting a grip of myself, I was sure that my mom had it worst. Truthfully, most parts of me struggled because I witnessed what mom had became. I never saw her condition like that and I never thought that she could be affected that severely because she looked like she wouldn’t be influenced by anything. She did things she had never done before and I began to feel anxious if I had to lose her too. Not death lose but self lose. I was worried that I will never see my ‘old’ mom whom I knew for 11 years, that I couldn’t do nothing to make her face bright again, that she’ll lose hope. Seeing an adult, who I thought were capable of doing anything, crumbled slowly in front of my eyes somehow gave me the negativity that I, a child wouldn’t make it too.

But, Allah is the Best Planner.

As my age grew, my maturity did too. I couldn’t see my life in the same way again instead I could look it in many different views of mine and of other people’s. And these spectacular views brought me to a greater understanding of the meaning of life. When I was 11, I thought I was the only one that suffered because everyone else seemed happy but I failed to realize that among those who wore the mask of happiness, they faced something similar to mine or perhaps even bigger. Because that’s how they saw me as. A bright student with a perfect life.

You see, all of us are amazing actors of our own lives. Things we say or do may not reflect our real self. And I believe that we do that because we don’t want to make others feel burdened. We’ve no idea what they’re going or been through. Even if they tell us, as much as we say ‘I feel you’, we just simply couldn’t. It’s not something that can be easily shared or felt by someone else. Millions of people are walking on this world and the person who is sitting beside you alone might be like me. If you look around you, they all look like everything goes well in their life but you’ll never know because yo’re not walking their path. 

So, the next time you see a sad face, don’t ask if they’re having a hard time. If you see a hole in their shoes, don’t ask if they can afford to buy a new one. If you see a trouble kid, don’t say their parents didn’t teach them. If you meet someone who is constantly pushing you away, don’t assume they hate you. Sometimes, it’s because they love you they don’t want you to get hurt. And when you see them or maybe your own friends are in pain, whisper to them this,

“It’s okay to get hurt till you feel nothing but numb. It’s okay to cry till there’s no more tears. Because you’re a human.”

Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to feel pain. Those scars will eventually be your band aids and armor that makes you even more STRONGER. What I can assure you is that I’m already full of wounds but Alhamdulillah I’m still standing on my feet and I could watch my mom soaring through rainbows.

So, I’m going to say this again.

It’s okay, you’re just a human. 

And don’t worry, whoever you are, I’m with you. 

“Allah does not charge a soul except (with that within) its capacity.”

– The Holy Qur’an, (2 : 286) –

friendships

I used to think that I had only one best friend whom we always labelled each other as BFFs. The only friend that will grow up with me, that will never ever leave me till we die (dramatic, I know). We were literally inseparable and we went almost everywhere together like mac and cheese. Everyone knew we were best friends and seeing one of us without another was considered as bizarre. We promised to do things together, bought matching clothes, sang Barbie songs, called each other at 2 in the morning to study for exams and even went to the same tuitions. And once, I thought BFF means TOGETHERNESS.

That was high school.

Things began to change when she left for National Service (PLKN) for about 3 months. At first, she had hard time to settle in with the unfamiliar environment and unknown faces. We kept in touch frequently because she needed me to comfort her and I was quite worried whether she would be fine for the next few months. Time after time, she blended well with new acquaintances which she described to me about each and one of them till I felt like I was there. I was happy for her because she started to feel at ease. Once she came back, we still hung out for several times but now she has a group whatsapp with her new buddies. Being close since 12, we shared everything together but now, I didn’t know most of their conversations. All her friends knew me but this time, they barely did. I know this is idiotic but I think I felt a little bit jealous there (accepting the fact that I WAS a kid and very very immature).

And then, we went our separate ways for universities. Everything changed drastically from that moment. We rarely called or texted. There were months when we didn’t contact each other at all. I convinced myself that perhaps she was busy with her studies because I was too. Plus, there were no things to talk about. We took two distinct courses, Accounting for her and English for me in two different places. Figures and languages don’t really have much common. And I know there were things that she didn’t tell me because I didn’t too. I began to involve in many events where I got to know new people and gradually, I felt that it was okay with not contacting her and vice versa. Because I started to understand her new life through mine. Sometimes, I posted photos of my classmates and friends on Facebook and Instagram and she did too. Then it hit me. I started to realize that all I cared was her happiness. If she’s happy with where she is now, I’m happy for her. That’s all that matters.

What this phase taught me was that every friendship are special in their very own ways. It’s definitely unfair to compare amongst them giving the sense that they all were built in different situations and time with different people. New friends might understand you better because they face similar situations besides being present or available for you at that particular moment but that doesn’t mean you erase your old friends from your list. There’s no competition here in who spends the most time with you or who shares more stories with you. In high school, yes but you and I both know we won’t be 15 forever. We all are starting to have priorities in life which are incomparable. 

The point is, intimacy is not the main focus in a friendship. I don’t mean that it’s unimportant. It is. But I think it’s the intention that wins it all. Do you make friends just because they have the same interests as you do? Or do you think that BFF is supposed to be doing things together all the time? Or is it because you want them to stick with you like a chewing gum wherever you go?

It doesn’t work that way.

We make friends ultimately of course because of Him and also, because we want to hold their hands and them to hold ours towards Jannah (Paradise). That pure intention leads to us wanting them to be happy regardless of what they do , where they are or who they’re with. Best friends don’t always mean that you HAVE to call or text them every single day in order to be close. Sometimes, just by understanding their lives through the binoculars of your life, THAT keeps the bond going.

We both have our own choices and goals which make our lives opposite from one another. Constantly, we’re travelling in parallel lines with different journeys but roads aren’t always straight. Someday, somewhere, we’ll have to stop at the junctions to cross again and again.

To my juniors or anyone who is younger than me, I’m not frightening you but this is a reality. Sooner or later, you might have to face this no matter how much you want to take care of that special friendship. By then, it’s in my hope that you’ll learn the art of understanding.

And to my one and only BFF since 11, this is not mocking you. I just happen to figure things out in my way. And I want to tell you that I’m so proud of who you are today and what have you done for yourself so far. We may not be as close as before and aren’t texting every 5 minutes but I know our friendship isn’t merely measured by texts. So when I need that special someone to listen to me without any weird judgements and to feel what I feel, there’s only one person deserves that BFF title. You know who you are if you’re reading this. 🙂

I love you to infinity and beyond.

And thank you for riding this ship with me.

“A strong friendship doesn’t need daily conversation or being together, as long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part. “

– Unknown – 

your own life builder

Do you want to have a good job with good salary?

Do you want to hold certain significant titles?

Do you want to have a job that doesn’t require much work?

I do, certainly.

BUT

I’m not with you (if you want those three) entirely. I guess, I’m different from most people in that subject. You see, I’m born with this unique trait where I value satisfaction and contentment rather than wealth and glam. Something I got from my mom, I think. The reason I call it unique is because we rarely meet these kind of people nowadays. I’m not trying to show off by saying I’m one in a million. Well okay I am one in at least a hundred but it’s more to me being grateful.

We’re living in a swift-paced era with the advent of new technologies breeding per month and it’s the highlight of every conversation. It’s definitely inevitable to restrain yourself from having the desire to improve your living status and especially, your gadget’s. To me, it’s quite normal because we’re surrounded by things that influence us to be better and better. But, better has limits, which is why I’m gonna talk wealth-wise.

High salary = good life, low salary = you’re dead. Most of you must’ve known these popular equations by now (unless you’re 2). For people who have lived healthily up to this day, we’ve been through those phases where our parents or any other adults you know, brainwashed us with that traumatizing yet annoying life equations. Thankfully, I’m no math genius so the equations somehow didn’t apply to me. Till today, I don’t and I can’t see the logic behind them like who created that in the first place anyway?

Unfortunately, that shapes the dogma of our culture today. And then, there’s me. The kind of person that they would actually label a ‘rebel’ because I don’t conform with the typical norms. But like people say, there’s no fun in life if we always stick to the rules. Gotta break ’em once in a while 😉 . And it’s a self-satisfaction too when I could prove them wrong. I believe that uniformity is good for smoothness of events but I also believe that it discourages creativity. If everyone thinks similarly, how can we innovate? It’s like a blank white paper and no splash of colours.

Back to the job subject , if everyone wants (or have) to be doctors, engineers, lawyers, accountants etc due to its rewarding salary and high-profile status, who is going to design the house? Who’s going to be the next Shakespeare? Who is going to be the next Picasso? Who is going to be the next Mozart? The next Ibn Sina? The next Ahmad Ammar? There are so many other prospects that can be explored. The world is diverse and so are we. It’s human nature to be different from one another because our thumbprints say so.

It’s not wrong to be different. It’s not wrong to choose something that is rare or something that people think it’s not going to benefit you. That’s what THEY think. If YOU think it’s beneficial, then it will. Your definition of living is not equivalent to others’. Some see people’s smiles as the real wealth. Some see their passion and serving the community as THE value. Money is not the only value you can gain. After all, it’s up to Him to decide. Instead of chasing after monetary, why don’t we do something with sincerity and let money comes along the way?

Therefore, choose what you want to choose and not based on others’ preferences. The community needs people like us. Know that. 🙂

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.”

-Maya Angelou-

“it’s my fault”

“It’s your fault,” he said
For spraying all of my room,
With a tin filled with chemicals
Till the whole room
Smelled like a mosquito nightmare.

“It’s your fault,” he said
For causing myself to breathe difficultly,
And funnily, that comes from a smoker
Who is the real murderer
To his own child.

Is there any difference anyway?
When cigarette smoke slides down under my door
Multiple times a day,
Taking up the entire space of the room
That almost makes me choked up whenever I hide under my blanket.

So, I told him
If you want to kill me so badly
I would prefer letting me, kill me,
Since you do not care of anything under this roof
You would not probably care if all you ever find later
Is me lying on the cold floor,
Breathless.

So excuse me, this is my “fault”.

N.N.

from afar

You might have no idea
Behind those faces
Among the crowds,
I was there
Watching from a distance,
And when everyone dispersed
Like a dandelion dust,
I slowly stepped away
Swallowed by people
And perhaps,
How proud I was
You might still have no idea.

N.N.

silence amidst noises

image

 

I’m grateful to be an introvert. Not everyone is. Some of us envy those who are extroverts, because communication is their power but for us, nothing is pleasurable than keeping everything in ourselves (and in our minds).

If you’ve watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower, the main character Charlie is the perfect description of us. Within our minds, we have this virtual typewriter to type whatever things that we see and hear. Even if it’s as trivial as watching people eat. We observe and record everything. It may sounds creepy and weird but at least, we don’t go around letting out the cat from the bag. We’re intrigued with the occurrences around us especially the details that people normally don’t care. Every second is important and we cherish that.

You may think being introvert is easy. We just keep quiet and don’t talk much. Truth is, we use as much energy as extroverts, perhaps more because our minds are hectic like a factory. And at some point, it’s tiresome. It happens even without us want it to happen because we can’t help it. For instance, I have to study in the library instead of at the cafes or my eyes will try to keep up with every thing people do and my assignments will be untouched. It’s inevitable to focus at your friend’s face when she or he’s talking while people are laughing at the background. I’ve to try my very best to pay full attention in class but at the same time, my mind wanders off outside. Now you know how difficult for us to restrain ourselves?

Although it eats up our energy and sometimes, my eyes get quite strained because of too much observing, I don’t hate it. Actually, I feel blessed because I can see what people normally wouldn’t care to see. I mean, they always tell you on Twitter “when people remember the details” “wow they actually listen to me”. Yeah, that ‘people’ are us. You’re welcome. 🙂 We’re the kind that please people without anyone noticing it because we don’t want them to notice it. We love to go undercover. The spotlights are too flashy for us but we do applause for those who stand under them.

I just want introverts to know that it’s not just them. It’s not just them that are weird and quiet. You’re not alone and I feel you. And I want you to love this ‘creepy’ self of yours and be proud of it. It takes guts to admit that you’re an introvert. But, you know what? We have that special POWER that extroverts don’t have. The power that no one can does it better than we do. The power to appreciate silence in a world full of loud voices.

“I would admit I’m an introvert. I don’t know why introverts have to apologize.”
-Bill Gross-

prison

Innocent child
With his red cape, young and wild,
All terms are his to own
And the world grants him a throne.

Unknown of what he’s going to brace
Waits for him is a mortal space,
Chained up by mentality scars
A slave for his own wars.

N.N.