I used to think effort was everything. If I give my best, I would get the results that I want or perhaps, more than I expect. It has been my life principle and Alhamdulillah, it worked.

Until I realized, maybe that’s not enough. Maybe being smart actually is the extra advantage. Because no matter how many nights you burn midnight oil for but if the results dont reflect it, it’s useless too. And no one ever witnessed your effort. That plus bad result = feeling of failure.

Worse, not only I’m a disapppontment to myself. I disappoint people who expect more of me, especially from those I look up to. Double failures are just.. great :”)

Never have I ever feel more disappoint of myself than today. I felt stupid. It just proves that I’m not intelligent in nature after all. I’ve been depending on effort and when even my effort disappoints me, I have nothing left.

I just dont want them to see me as a lazy person. Because I did work hard. I really did. And I thought my answers were not that bad but I was wrong. They were rubbish. It’s like showing that I didnt study for it when I did.

Haih

I just feel out of place this sem. I dont have work that I can transfer my passion for, FM feels draggy, self-esteem declining, no achievements im proud of and now, academic failure. Really though, is there anything about me I can be proud of and be confident about.

And you know what made today thousand times painful? I was super proud and happy of the slides I made for the presentation today and presentation went well too (to me at least). But after all that moment of satisfaction, came this gigantic rock thrown over me. And that wiped out the little contentment I had.

Can’t I savour that moment a little longer? 😔

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