“Why don’t you hang out with us here?”

“I want to, really. But I could never fit in with you guys. You guys always have something to talk about which I couldn’t get myself involved in. And I’ve nothing much interesting things to say either. So I’ll end up being awkward and quiet and isolated. Most of the time no one cares, no one bothers to ask for me and sometimes it hurts when you don’t even look at me while saying goodbye. And that’s why I guess it has always been a problem for me. Fitting in is emotionally drained.”

Sure, people keep saying “why fitting in when you’re born to stand out”. That’s the thing, not everyone likes to stand out, to be the center of attention. People fail to realize that fitting in is as difficult as standing out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone. It gives me space to breathe and appreciate other things. But one time or another, I would want someone to include me in their conversation. I would want them to interact with me just to help me reduce my awkwardness. I would want all of them to say hi or ask me to stay and hang out with them. I would want them saying bye bye as if they’re looking forward to see me tomorrow. Most importantly, I would want them to mean it. Not because I’m posting this and everyone get all sympathizing me. I just want a genuine act, that’s all.

It’s hard having to go everwhere alone. When everytime your friend asks “Are you going there alone?” and you’re used to saying “Yeah, it’s okay”. Or “Why  don’t you go together with them?” because they’re a group and I know I’ll be killing their fun if I join. Because I’m awkward and some of the things they talk about, they prefer me to not hear.  Come to think of it, I often put their feelings and comfort above mine. Maybe because I wouldn’t mind letting me hurting myself because I’m used to it. At least it’s not by anyone else.

But I’m oblivious too. About how people don’t care. How people can be deceived by a smile. How people think “She’s always alone so she’ll be okay”. How inviting someone to chat can made her day. How people laugh at the thought of fitting in being a struggle. How people are ignorant about its seriousness. How people have no idea that there are people succumbing to this disease.

It’s all complicated if I try so hard to fit in. And it’s a whole lot easier to just be invisible. For no one ever notices something they cannot see.

So here I am, finding a puzzle to fit.

Sometimes, it’s about reading your environment real quick, and then finding the bits that fit you.

– Melissa Keil, Life in Outer Space –

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2 thoughts on ““i’m not here”

  1. Hye, Ain. Reading this makes me cried a lot since it’s perfectly described my lifee. Great job! Looking forward to read more about your random thoughts 🙂

    1. Hi, Q! You don’t know how much that means to me! Thank you so much for your compliment and support. If I may, are you someone I know?

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