When I was about 11 years old, a bomb dropped onto a solid ground with gardens of flowers and butterflies. That ground was my life.
I call it a bomb because a bomb comes out of nowhere and then it explodes and it destroys everything within its radius. Something happened which I would say my dark past and it ruined me. I was 11, still a minor. Not even a teenager. And every minor in the world wants everything he or she could have except for this. When this crashed into my life, I was lost. Literally. It’s because I never saw it coming, I never expected it at all (like I said, a bomb). When things happen unexpectedly, it either brings you joy or pain. Unfortunately, mine was the latter. Like any other 11-year-old kid, I obviously didn’t know what to do. Even if I did, it was beyond my control to fix what I thought I could fix. I was powerless and I couldn’t process what was happening because it was too fast, like how the light travels. My mind just went completely blank as if I just awoke from a coma or in a state of amnesia. My emotions were terribly mixed up causing me to be emotionally dead. From anger, disappointment and depression to nothing. I was clouded with multiple kinds of questions. “Why is this happening to me?” “Did I do something wrong for me to deserve this?” “Why me? Why not anyone else?”. I felt like at that point of my life, the world was pointing their fingers towards me.
At school, I was naturally a quiet kid and rather keeping everything to myself so no one noticed. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know as well because they’ll start bombard me with questions, weird gazes and the most pathetic thing I despise, sympathy. Why? Because I know it isn’t genuine. They felt sorry only because a bad thing happened to us. Not because they put themselves in our shoes and felt what we had been through, even if they told you so. It was to make us ‘feel better’ but deep inside, they sighed a sense of relief it didn’t happen to them. A big fat lie. That’s why I can relate to Korean dramas for example School 2015. What I love about this genre of movie is that the themes aren’t just about hopeless romance but also, about dreams, losing hope, secrets, trust, friendships and other themes that circulate around a problematic student’s life. And it can be seen clearly in those kind of dramas that the happiest student is the most depressed and not everyone cares about it. Something that our society here doesn’t give enough attention on. The youngsters need to open their eyes widely that school isn’t just about immature relationship problems. Real life crisis actually exists among students. Try looking at your class photos. Some of those smiles, they’re not real. I highly recommend you to watch School 2013 and School 2015, NOT to enjoy the good looks of the actors or whatsoever but to emphatize yourself in their situations. What will you do if you’re in their shoes?
Though I had hard times getting a grip of myself, I was sure that my mom had it worst. Truthfully, most parts of me struggled because I witnessed what mom had became. I never saw her condition like that and I never thought that she could be affected that severely because she looked like she wouldn’t be influenced by anything. She did things she had never done before and I began to feel anxious if I had to lose her too. Not death lose but self lose. I was worried that I will never see my ‘old’ mom whom I knew for 11 years, that I couldn’t do nothing to make her face bright again, that she’ll lose hope. Seeing an adult, who I thought were capable of doing anything, crumbled slowly in front of my eyes somehow gave me the negativity that I, a child wouldn’t make it too.
But, Allah is the Best Planner.
As my age grew, my maturity did too. I couldn’t see my life in the same way again instead I could look it in many different views of mine and of other people’s. And these spectacular views brought me to a greater understanding of the meaning of life. When I was 11, I thought I was the only one that suffered because everyone else seemed happy but I failed to realize that among those who wore the mask of happiness, they faced something similar to mine or perhaps even bigger. Because that’s how they saw me as. A bright student with a perfect life.
You see, all of us are amazing actors of our own lives. Things we say or do may not reflect our real self. And I believe that we do that because we don’t want to make others feel burdened. We’ve no idea what they’re going or been through. Even if they tell us, as much as we say ‘I feel you’, we just simply couldn’t. It’s not something that can be easily shared or felt by someone else. Millions of people are walking on this world and the person who is sitting beside you alone might be like me. If you look around you, they all look like everything goes well in their life but you’ll never know because yo’re not walking their path.
So, the next time you see a sad face, don’t ask if they’re having a hard time. If you see a hole in their shoes, don’t ask if they can afford to buy a new one. If you see a trouble kid, don’t say their parents didn’t teach them. If you meet someone who is constantly pushing you away, don’t assume they hate you. Sometimes, it’s because they love you they don’t want you to get hurt. And when you see them or maybe your own friends are in pain, whisper to them this,
“It’s okay to get hurt till you feel nothing but numb. It’s okay to cry till there’s no more tears. Because you’re a human.”
Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to feel pain. Those scars will eventually be your band aids and armor that makes you even more STRONGER. What I can assure you is that I’m already full of wounds but Alhamdulillah I’m still standing on my feet and I could watch my mom soaring through rainbows.
So, I’m going to say this again.
It’s okay, you’re just a human.
And don’t worry, whoever you are, I’m with you.
“Allah does not charge a soul except (with that within) its capacity.”
– The Holy Qur’an, (2 : 286) –