This Sunday, I’ll be going back to campus for my third and last semester in CFS. Of course, the feeling of holiday is about to end is not of a celebration, though I’ll meet my friends again, I just favor the pleasure of having the time for myself with my family and occupied with enjoyable hobbies so much more. Who in the world doesn’t love extra time of sleeping and relaxing, conquering all the channels in the television, waking up to no stressing about assignments, enjoying every bite of your meals without having to rush and being drowned with online movies and novels? Working adults would die for those luxuries so yeah I should embrace my chance while I can.

Another perk of having holiday is that there will be this empty space where you do nothing but ponder about life. Honestly, it can be both perk and nightmare too. It feels like the time and everything around you pauses in motion and you’re travelling in a time machine, back to the past and forward to the future. Your state of mind drag you when you were just an infant (I can’t say baby because most of us don’t even remember what we see or taste as a baby with a thumb in the mouth). You started to learn the use of your body parts especially the legs which kept you running around continuously, not even your mom could keep up. Those were the only times where you can commit the biggest mistake in the world and not being blamed for it. You could spill the milk or the porridge how frequent you wanted and your mom still pampered you because our cuteness could cover up all of our mistakes. You perceived everything as mere toys which ended up in our mouth as well. We felt powerful, nothing could stop us and that we were ready to run the world. All we had in mind was eating, sleeping, playing and yes, running. No responsibilities or burdens to carry on our shoulders, no worries on a pile of uncompleted works and no care about fulfilling any roles. Truthfully, we were at our bravest self.

Steadily, we learned about bags, pencils, coloured pencils, papers, desks, chairs, animated water bottles. school shoes and uniforms, teachers and friends. Discipline began introducing itself to us; woke up early, queued up, handed in homework on time and returned to class after recess. Still, we had the most fun in elementary. Arguing about who got the seat first in the hall, making promises to do everything together, wearing the same hairbands, using the same water bottles, feeling scared towards any teachers that gave us the ghostly stern look, crying when our parents left us in the school and competing Barbie bags with your friends. And shhh.. I met my first crush 😉 . Those were when crying was the huge disaster.

Height became taller, weight became heavier, hormones started to experiment our bodies and self-esteem struggled. High school was where reality got the sh*t out of you. We never expected that, did we? Some mastered the art of rebelling, some still played by the rules (these ones usually were the victims of bullies). Seniority became the yardstick of deciding a position in a club or society and academic achievement divided us into classes. The more A’s you got, the higher you status was. Which also meant, more expectations from teachers and parents. The counselling room received increasingly visitors day by day and fights among students were intolerable. That was when we were the most fragile. To join the popular crowd or to be a wallflower? To take up science or art stream? To follow friends or fulfil your parents’ hopes? If you didn’t have strong supports, you could lose yourself. I remember when I had to decide whether I wanted to be in science class or art class and I chose the latter because I didn’t have much interest in science. I was fortunate to have mom and my counselling teacher as my major supporters and it basically helped me along the journey. But people being typical and stereotyped, I was greatly bashed by some of the teachers and also my aunts and uncles. It was challenging, I can’t lie that till at some point, I was uncertain about my choices and I nearly fell into regrets.  I was clouded with questions. “Am I doing the right thing? Did I make the wrong step? Am I going to fail? Is this the end?”. Thankfully, my supporters led me to rainbows. They taught me the beauty of dreams and never ever doubted my decisions. I followed my heart and intuition. Till today, most of my choices are based on that principle and I’m proudly to say that I’m content with each of them.

Now, I’m just at the beginning of my real life. I love my choice of university and course. English had always been my primary source of reading and my mom had always encouraged me to speak English. Slightly distinct from high school, university helps me to focus on my dreams and passion more. Besides, I get to be involved in a variety of social circles, not just restricted to my own course. Being able to do so, I’m exposed to interesting ways of thinking and personalities. University life opens my eyes that everyone has special talents and unique in their own ways and that 4-flats doesn’t define a person. This is where I meet people who might stay in my life eternally which I already found a bunch of them. It’s been amazing for the past 6 months but sadly, foundation is going to end. Then, I’ll be driving on the road to degree after 4/5 months of break. Still figuring out either to take up linguistics or literature and I hope I’ll find the answer before semester 3 ends. Honestly, I’m not ready for degree yet. Presenting in main campus means bigger chunks of responsibilities and little time for fun. Everything must be taken seriously and the vital fear, growing up.

I know it’s inevitable but imagining your life after degree, landing your dream job Insya Allah, finding your future husband, getting married, having kids, talking about crushes with your children, they tying the knot, having grandchildren, growing old and facing death. I’m not even officially 19 and I’ve thought all of that. I must be thinking thoroughly about life,huh? It’s like watching a movie about your life, the only difference is that the future is still on its way. I don’t know what genre to put it; horror or documentary?

As many people have said, life goes on. You can’t escape from experiencing every phase. Perhaps it seems frightening but we will not know until we go through it. The most important thing is that I hope my favorite people will be in my future as long as they can and I pray that we’ll see the sun after every storm. May we achieve our dreams and live life with no regrets. For sure, the ride is going to be bumpy. Well, no roller coaster is a straight ride!

“Life is a book and there are a thousand pages I have not yet read.”
– Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess –

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